"You Will Never Be The Same Again" Moments

Tonight like any other night when sleep is not so good to me, my mind is very much active despite my tired body.

To distract myself, I usually make a 'to do list' in my head (which I write after so I won't forget) for the next following weeks. Next week, BCC Kabacan will be celebrating our 6th year Anniversary. So it will be a busy week. 

I was already thinking of the Praise and Worship line-up, the Children's ministry then a family requested for dedication of their children. It means I have to set up the counselling with the parents together with my parents.

As I dwell on this all, I kept on thinking back to 2011 when this Satellite ministry was just a house church and I was not even so accepting of the responsibility as a Pastor.

But each year was a different story. It was like I aged or matured each passing year to the point that the difference is so stark- just looking back this January 2017, I was a completely different person.

How so?

As I looked back, I realized with my walk with Christ, I usually have a "You Will Never Be The Same Again" Moments. 

You know, like a "Turning Point"? A Cross roads. 

That kind of moment, event, circumstance and decisions - small or big it may be- their impact was 2 or 4 times more the change in me. 

I know you have those too. I believe that Jesus is Life. I mean really like if you reminisce that moment you first received Him up to know, you might remember how vivid all those times compared to those moments when you were not in a relationship with Him.

Flashback to 2011

What was that "You Will Never Be The Same Again" Moments in 2011?

Probably the number one on my list would be the day I encountered Jesus. 

That's where all this 'roller coaster' kind of life I have now. It was the moment all the Mess I got into and running away from became a Message; when my Tests in life became a Testimony.

After the 3 day Retreat, I was never the same again. Not just because I stopped doing what I was not supposed to be doing. But I STARTED to finally do what I was meant and purposefully made to do- Loving God and Loving Others.

I also started to hear God's call. At first it was very still and small. I hear it everyday as I open my bible and read for my devotional. But as each passing day, I learned to memorize the tone of His voice. Then One day, I had another of those "You Will Never Be The Same Again" Moments.

My 2011 ended with a bang. 

Or a Ring rather. 

I got God's call and urging to go home and plant a satellite ministry. 

To go full time ministry. 

Turning point: To be honest, my service was still child's play at that time- I was still in the 'playground'. 

But the moment I made that decision out of my conviction through His Word- It was like getting drafted in the Army and I was going now to the Battlefield. It made my faith became Raw and real. I thought it was real. Then I got the reality check. 

I had to face my family. I had to leave behind my own plans and dreams. 

I remembered that same year after I made that decision, even my personality changed. 

I remembered a sister in church approached me and said, 'Uy sis! Dati napaka Sanguine mo ba! Nagsatellite ka lang bigla ka ng sumeryoso."

I was 21. Young and still starting out on my career. I just graduated college. I had a five year plan that compared to God's plans was so small and mediocre. And I thank God I made that decision. 

2012 was a Blast(almost!)

2011 passed by like a breeze then 2012 came. 

All I could remember during that year were Encounters, Joint open cells and Regular Sunday services at our house as the Satellite Ministry was still planting.

But that one moment that made 2012 memorable was the day I was looking straight at a gun. 

Pointed at me.

By a tall and dark man who broke into our house.

Yeah. You read it right. It was only 6:00 pm when it happened. I was alone at that time because my father usually fetches my mother from her duty in the hospital. 

I remembered how he opened the door to my room (which is by the way still my room right now). He just told me not to shout or he will shoot. He said to give him our money but since we don't have any cash on hand, I gave our jewelry box. 

I can remember how calm I was back then. I was talking to him, distracting him. 

I was asking God for Grace. Asking Him, what should I do next. Praying. 

I was thinking of my parents.

What if they came back and he was still there? Who would he shoot? Me or one of them?

So I made a decision to make a run for it. The moment I heard my parent's vehicle getting closer and saw that the man was distracted for a few seconds- I ran for the door. 

And I never looked back. I just ran.

I shouted outside as my parents were approaching that a robber was in our house with a gun. 

I was never the same after that day (October 12, 2012 to be exact).

I remember sleeping and I would clench my hands and teeth. 

I would shout when my father would stand on a door frame and its dark. 

My hands would tremble so hard I couldn't even write. 

I was blessed that after a few weeks of that robbery incident, I attended the National G12 conference in Manila. I remembered giving my experience to God and asking to take the trauma away.

I wasn't traumatized anymore after the conference. 

But I learned to really double check locks of doors and windows nowadays. 

Turning point: Following Jesus is like Running away from a robber with a gun pointed at you (satan). No turning back. Never look back. Just run for Jesus! (the incident happened on a Friday- I had to preach by Sunday and that was what I shared).

My 2013 had a "mild" but big impact

My 2013 was pretty great year.

I remembered we launched Youth Reload on February 2013.

We had our first Encounter in BCC Kabacan.

But what really impacted my that year might seemed "mild", but it was very life changing.

My mother had a mild stroke. She was 57 years old at that time. It was 2 weeks after her birthday. 

I can't forget that day, It was a Sunday. 

I remembered that moment when we knew something was wrong when she didn't recognized my sister and she barely remembered her birthday. 

Disoriented and very weak, my father and sister brought her to the hospital despite her refusal. I was left behind because I needed to lead the worship service and preach. 

What would you say in the pulpit in times like that? I felt a deep sinking feeling that day.

By the following day we found out my mother was in need of a CT scan in Kidapawan city to see the damage done by the mild stroke to her brain. There were no paralysis just a little memory loss and difficulty in speech. 

She was admitted for 4 days and by the grace of God, was not required to be put in the ICU. 

Turning point: I kind of asked God 'why?' at that moment. Our family was serving God through the ministry; loving God and loving people. But He didn't answered my question. He just showed what He was preparing us and especially me for the future. 

I learned to value life more. Cherish my parents more. Pray more for their salvation and accept that one day, I have to serve God alone without my parents by my side. Or other people. That people will really come and go in this life- whether you serve God or not. Life is short. It was a sobering moment for me. 

Quarter Life Crisis in 2014

They say that "Life Begins at 40". They call it "Midlife Crisis".

I won't really contradict that saying but I also believe that many are also experiencing "Quarter life Crisis" the moment they turn to 25 years old.

My mentor told me that by 25, our decisions are not attached or moved by our emotions anymore. It moves from the back of your head to the frontal lobe where reasoning and critical thinking happens.

I was not really sure of the scientific knowing but I was definitely "feeling" it by 2014.

I was turning 25 that day, August 30, 2014 during our God encounter retreat at Makilala.

I have been serving God for almost 3 years together with the Satellite ministry.

I was both happy and unhappy. 

I was still desiring for a regular job. A Career. I even started to take my Masteral classes. 

I was still not sure at that time if I was going to be a pastor or even willing to pay more the price of my calling. I was still looking for a way out.

Then on my birthday, something happened. 

It was not about me. It was about my disciple. This person experienced something that I could not fully express in this post because it was so heart breaking and very private. A story I am not even worthy to tell. 

Turning point: I remembered how I wept for this person. 

On my birthday. It was the gift God gave me that I NEVER WANTED but I desperately needed. 

A reason to stay and continue doing what God called me to do.

As I turned another year older, my heart and my mind changed that year. 

I was not confused anymore with what I want. 

I made a conscious and deliberate decision to embrace my call not just to be a pastor but to fully pour out my all in loving God and Loving people. Because there were many more people like that disciple of mine that will come in the doors of my church. I need to accept them. Love them. Give them a sanctuary where they could find wholeness in Christ. 

My "Breath Taking" Year: 2015

2015 would be one of the most memorable for me because after 25 years of no allergies and asthma- I was diagnosed with it.

I can't forget the moments I was out of breath. 

I was hospitalized 5 times and had to be attached to an oxygen tank. 

It felt like something heavy is on my chest always. I hear a cat every time I breathe (meow!).

Another instance that stuck to me and impacted me that particular year was an incident that happened to one of my church member. Again, I will not disclose it here because its private. 

But its a kind of incident where as a person and as a pastor, your acceptance of a person is tested. 

Turning point: I thought I already knew how to accept a person but that day after that particular disciple approached me and confessed all, I was proven wrong. 

As for the asthma attacks, I finally understood the verses 6 to 7 in 2 Timothy 4: 

"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

My life was a sacrifice- poured out. What was poured to God could never be taken back. Like my breath. So I learned to make every breath count for His glory and Honor.

"Make or Break" for Year 2016

Weew... A lot happened last year. Some I am still learning from it. 

I think the first "You Will Never Be The Same Again" Moment I had was when one of my primary 12 left. After 4 years of serving God together; planting the church and leading worship. 

Sure, a lot have 'come and gone'. 

What made this one different? I'm not really sure. 

Maybe it was the person- she was one of my best friends. Maybe the length of time you were with (4 years then mag6 palang ako this year). 

Maybe it was the reasons why the person left or how it happened. or the many questions you have that you end up blaming yourself.

I started to doubt my calling. I started to ask God that if ganon lang pala after a few years, aalis din sila- bakit ka pa magdidisciple? She was my 'Peter' and now I knew how Jesus felt when Peter denied and betrayed him. 

Another moment: After all the years of serving and dealing many circumstances inside the church, it was my first time to deal with a suicide attempt by a disciple. 

I remembered how hollow and empty my disciple felt after the suicide attempt. I didn't know what went wrong. But I was determined to make things right.

Turning point: I had experienced two situations of losing disciples. It was the worst so far that I encountered.

The first one taught me to forgive. I thought what it meant. But the moment I experienced what Jesus experienced with Peter- now I know! 

I was too emotional. I was easily offended. I will never forget what one of my mentors told me that day when she left- "Do not look at the problem, ask God what is changing in you through that problem."

We will never control people. We could love them. Give them our all. But its up to them if they accept that. 

Letting go was hard. But it took me a year to fully recover. I stopped looking and dissecting fb posts and twits; had the self-control not to search in the search bar the person's name; stopped posting 'patama' quotes and even sending a pm in the messenger. 

I stopped talking and reminiscing the person (my heart is not full of the person anymore) and there are days I don't think of that person anymore. Except everyday whenever I stil pray for her :) (I just can't help doing that!)

I started to laugh again. Love deeply again. I saw that I was looking at a star dimming and slowly losing its brightness and I forgot the rest that were still shining so brightly.

As for the suicide attempt, I learned from her that there are things out of our control- we must give it to God. We couldn't change the past anymore, what was done was done. All we needed to do was move forward. And we did. Together. 

We became closer. Our communication and connection got deeper. And since the attempt showed the person that God will never allow it- we became more determined to live life in Jesus. The person LITERALY can't imagine life without Jesus! When I tell her if she wants to be discipled, she would say now, "KELANGAN TALAGA EH!"

What happens next this 2017?

I really don't know. Time will tell. A lot have already happened. 

It was the very same thing God showed me last December 31, 2016 before the New Year and 2017.

We were driving from Malasila from my aunt's house going back to Kisante to the house of my other uncle. It was dark and it was drizzling. That's the worst conditions whenever my father is driving. Because of his weak eyesight especially in darkness and due to his cataract- we were practically driving blind. 

The only ones who could see well and give him directions were my sister and I both in the backseat. Can you just imagine that? Of course we got to my uncle's house safe and sound. But that moment God spoke to loudly to me. 

He said that my 2017 will be like that. He assures me I will get to where He is leading me. But I won't know how I'll get their. I won't see the path or I'll be like my father- driving blind. But I need to pay attention to His Word. I need to listen carefully to His instructions. I must have the humility and the trust that required my father to turn to every curve on the road despite not seeing it. 

Turning point: "No eye has seen; no ear has heard and no mind have imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9