I've been listening to the same song over and over again for the past few hours. It's been reminding me to hold on.
ONE OF 'THOSE' DAYS
You know, everyone of us gets one of 'those' days.
The kind of day when you wake up, a part of you wish you could sleep more or not wake up at all.
The kind of day when you've lost your appetite or nothing seems to satisfy anymore.
The kind of day when you just want to stay inside your room and be alone but at the same time you feel so afraid to be alone.
The kind of day you wish you were somewhere else or somebody else.
When you feel more lost than found.
Trying to put that brave face on so many times that you kind of forget how are you really.
A part of me doesn't like one of those days but we all get them.
WHAT DO WE DO TO HOLD ON THERE?
Pray.
No one can really help you but God. No one even yourself can really comfort you.
You can call or text someone and even talk to somebody else. But in the end....
When you pray, that "I'm ok mask" you put on slips off like those turns pouring out from your eyes.
You don't have to lie anymore to yourself or to others and pretend you are ok.
In prayer, it's just between you and God. And no matter how much we cover it up, He sees it all. He knows more than you really do.
Kneel or sit on your floor and just pray and cry. Let it out.
I have learned that the only way to hold on is to let it go and let God.
SOMETIMES...
Sometimes, I wish and pray for someone to just hold my hands and not let it go. After all these years of serving and loving people- holding hearts and leading hands- my hands in the end of the day are usually empty.
Because the reality is that most of them will leave whether I like it or not. I knew that I have to hold them for a short while until they are ready to be on their own. Some will let go because they choose to and all you could do is let them go.
So I pray. I clasp my left hand to my right and imagine that its Jesus holding me. I know He won't let go no matter what happens.
Sometimes, I would hug my pillow a little tighter wishing it could hug me back and give me warmth when I start to feel numb and cold again.
Because no matter how many people I touch and comfort and hug- they will leave. I just wish sometimes someone would hold me and not let go. Someone would hug me and hold me whenever I feel so broken or tired or lost....making me feel found and whole again. Someone who would stay.
That's why I pray. Its in moments of prayer I feel Jesus holding me as I put my arms over myself.
Sometimes, I wish somebody would listen. Just listen. I don't need advice most of the time. I just need someone to hear me out. Because there are days like this one when I feel like I am gonna lose it if I don't voice out my thoughts. Sometimes I just need to hear myself and know someone else is listening. It reassures me that I am never alone.
So I pray and talk to God. Nobody really knows what I truly feel. He does. He listens even if I just cry and stay quiet. He hears more than anyone else will.
Sometimes, I wish for someone to also find me. When you've been winning the lost for a while, you get a little lost along the way. I wish someone would find me.
Find time to be with me.
Find the energy and effort to be with me.
Find out the little things about me.
Coz I know I will never have that "someday you will find someone" in the future.
I knew that I will have to be here and wait until I am found.
So I pray. Because in moments I feel so lost like tonight, Jesus finds me in the secret.
BTW: the song I've been listening to on repeat, like I am personally telling myself over and over again to hold on- Lecrae - I'll Find You (Lyric Video) ft. Tori Kelly
Here are the lyrics:
Just fight a little longer my friend
It's all worth it in the end
But when you got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
It's all worth it in the end
But when you got nobody to turn to
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'll find you
I'll find you
Just hold on, and I'll find you
I'm hanging on by a thread
And all I'm clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain't come prepared
And death's knockin' on the front door
Pain's creepin' through the back
Fear's crawlin' through the windows
Waiting for em' to attack
They say "Don't get bitter, get better"
I'm working on switching them letters
But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together
I'm smilin' in everyone's face
I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room
They don't know the battle I face
They don't understand what I'm going through
The world tryna play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm tryna remember the way
I'm tryna get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do
And all I'm clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain't come prepared
And death's knockin' on the front door
Pain's creepin' through the back
Fear's crawlin' through the windows
Waiting for em' to attack
They say "Don't get bitter, get better"
I'm working on switching them letters
But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together
I'm smilin' in everyone's face
I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room
They don't know the battle I face
They don't understand what I'm going through
The world tryna play with my soul
I'm just tryna find where to go
I'm tryna remember the way
I'm tryna get back to my home
But, I can't do this on my own
That's why I'm just trusting in you
Cuz' I don't know where else to go
And, I don't know what else to do
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