I still cry myself to sleep.
I still have vague dreams and scary nightmares.
When I close my eyes, I still have visions I wish would be realized.
Then I wake up. And all will it be are dreams and nightmare.
It gives you that feeling that you want to go back to sleep and wake up at the same time.
I've been living that way for a few months now. Maybe that's why psychology says people who sleep always are lonely people. Maybe they're dreaming.
But today, I woke up.
The nightmares are not as frequent anymore (I still have sleepless nights- that's a norm now).
The dreams are lesser now. But the tears? Its still their. Its either I wake up with them or sleep with them. But there there. Always. Sometimes I wish there was a switch button for these orbs to stop pouring out.
Then the pain, it never stops burning. Never stopped searing. I wish it would. But everything you see would trigger it. A word. A picture. A face. Like a wound spilled with alcohol, its starts to burn again.
When will it end?
Today, I woke up asking the same question again for the past few months. Maybe the pain doen't end. Maybe you have to endure it to learn. Didn't they say that there are only two things that changes a person; pain and vision. Maybe this is it.
When will I forget?
When will be that day you wake up and you forgot everything that happened and you stop remembering and the pain will also stop. I hope its one of this days.
I've been talking to myself. Listening too. But most of the time talking. Telling myself to wake up. Stop looking at those pictures. Stop reading their words. Stop remembering the person of somebody you used to know. I'm always having a pep talk.
"STOP IT!"
You'll just be inflicting pain on yourself. Words are more painful than the blades you used to cut yourself.
Then I would listen. I catch and stop myself from hurting again myself. But this time not with a piece of blade but with words and images of people you lost.
I keep on blaming myself. Maybe that will stop the pain. But it doesn't. It never did.
I'm nearing my 40 days fasting. But it feels like 40 days of dying.
Dying on some of the things I crave and love (Coffee!) because it becomes nothing without that one thing. But it feels like in vain now. I'm only holding on to this last few days of my fast not for answers anymore but for closure. Like someone who lost someone, the death sinks in in the next forty days after the death. Then you move on. I laugh at myself when I hear those words, 'moving on.
I think I'll never move on from loving and losing people. Every bit of me poured it out on them. Every part of them, I take with me till the end. How can you gather water again that is poured out into the ground? How can you sip out every drop absorbed by the soil? If you can, tell me.
Maybe all I can have is a facade of moving on?
It's like losing a child. You can't say to a mother of 12 who lost one, "It's gonna be ok. You have 11 more!"
Every child is unique. Special. Loved. When you lose one, like you lost all of them.
But you need to move on right. You need to wake up again the next day. and the next day again. You need to be ok. You need to smile again. You need to love other people again because that was what you were called for. You have to stop listening to the lies that you shouldn't love others the way you loved the last one who got lost. That would be unfair. You have to still give your all when it means nothing is left of you and more of Him. Its waking up and deciding to live even if a part of you have already died.
We keep on quoting Galatians 2:20 and Philippians 1:20 about Jesus living in us and we dying. But do we really know about it? Its about dying to ourselves even if it means dying to the pain, the hurt and fears. Even if it means dying to the right to be angry. Even if it means dying to wanting to die. Its dying and letting Jesus decide. Letting Him feel and live, move and work in you. Easy? I thought so.
2 more months before the end of 2016. This was a year of surprises. The good, the bad and the ugly surprises. When you have moments of "akalain mo yun?" and "di ko talaga inakala..."
My year started great, the middle got tumultuous. And the End? I don't know yet. I'm not there yet. But I wish it would be better than today. Better than the past few months.
You know that its not you living inside when in your logical sound mind you want to stop hoping and loving people assessing in all the facts you see and hear. But your heart which is God's own heart still want to hope. Love is always hopeful. My body and my mind would say stop! "It's hopeless!" Look at them. Read their words. They hate you. They don't want God anymore in their lives. They don't want you in their lives. They blocked you and unfriended you. So stop. Stop hurting yourself. "
Then tears would roll down in my eyes again. Cause in my heart, which I know its not mine anymore, would still want to hope. Hope in not what I see but what He sees.
So I sleep again with these nightmares and dreams. Eyes closed with this visions I pray would be realized.
I still have vague dreams and scary nightmares.
When I close my eyes, I still have visions I wish would be realized.
Then I wake up. And all will it be are dreams and nightmare.
It gives you that feeling that you want to go back to sleep and wake up at the same time.
I've been living that way for a few months now. Maybe that's why psychology says people who sleep always are lonely people. Maybe they're dreaming.
But today, I woke up.
The nightmares are not as frequent anymore (I still have sleepless nights- that's a norm now).
The dreams are lesser now. But the tears? Its still their. Its either I wake up with them or sleep with them. But there there. Always. Sometimes I wish there was a switch button for these orbs to stop pouring out.
Then the pain, it never stops burning. Never stopped searing. I wish it would. But everything you see would trigger it. A word. A picture. A face. Like a wound spilled with alcohol, its starts to burn again.
When will it end?
Today, I woke up asking the same question again for the past few months. Maybe the pain doen't end. Maybe you have to endure it to learn. Didn't they say that there are only two things that changes a person; pain and vision. Maybe this is it.
When will I forget?
When will be that day you wake up and you forgot everything that happened and you stop remembering and the pain will also stop. I hope its one of this days.
I've been talking to myself. Listening too. But most of the time talking. Telling myself to wake up. Stop looking at those pictures. Stop reading their words. Stop remembering the person of somebody you used to know. I'm always having a pep talk.
"STOP IT!"
You'll just be inflicting pain on yourself. Words are more painful than the blades you used to cut yourself.
Then I would listen. I catch and stop myself from hurting again myself. But this time not with a piece of blade but with words and images of people you lost.
I keep on blaming myself. Maybe that will stop the pain. But it doesn't. It never did.
I'm nearing my 40 days fasting. But it feels like 40 days of dying.
Dying on some of the things I crave and love (Coffee!) because it becomes nothing without that one thing. But it feels like in vain now. I'm only holding on to this last few days of my fast not for answers anymore but for closure. Like someone who lost someone, the death sinks in in the next forty days after the death. Then you move on. I laugh at myself when I hear those words, 'moving on.
I think I'll never move on from loving and losing people. Every bit of me poured it out on them. Every part of them, I take with me till the end. How can you gather water again that is poured out into the ground? How can you sip out every drop absorbed by the soil? If you can, tell me.
Maybe all I can have is a facade of moving on?
It's like losing a child. You can't say to a mother of 12 who lost one, "It's gonna be ok. You have 11 more!"
Every child is unique. Special. Loved. When you lose one, like you lost all of them.
But you need to move on right. You need to wake up again the next day. and the next day again. You need to be ok. You need to smile again. You need to love other people again because that was what you were called for. You have to stop listening to the lies that you shouldn't love others the way you loved the last one who got lost. That would be unfair. You have to still give your all when it means nothing is left of you and more of Him. Its waking up and deciding to live even if a part of you have already died.
We keep on quoting Galatians 2:20 and Philippians 1:20 about Jesus living in us and we dying. But do we really know about it? Its about dying to ourselves even if it means dying to the pain, the hurt and fears. Even if it means dying to the right to be angry. Even if it means dying to wanting to die. Its dying and letting Jesus decide. Letting Him feel and live, move and work in you. Easy? I thought so.
2 more months before the end of 2016. This was a year of surprises. The good, the bad and the ugly surprises. When you have moments of "akalain mo yun?" and "di ko talaga inakala..."
My year started great, the middle got tumultuous. And the End? I don't know yet. I'm not there yet. But I wish it would be better than today. Better than the past few months.
You know that its not you living inside when in your logical sound mind you want to stop hoping and loving people assessing in all the facts you see and hear. But your heart which is God's own heart still want to hope. Love is always hopeful. My body and my mind would say stop! "It's hopeless!" Look at them. Read their words. They hate you. They don't want God anymore in their lives. They don't want you in their lives. They blocked you and unfriended you. So stop. Stop hurting yourself. "
Then tears would roll down in my eyes again. Cause in my heart, which I know its not mine anymore, would still want to hope. Hope in not what I see but what He sees.
So I sleep again with these nightmares and dreams. Eyes closed with this visions I pray would be realized.
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